I need you to picture something here: Ashley Anne Harrell walking down 2nd Avenue at 1:30 AM. Intoxicated? Only with the desire to wipe out the colony of mischeivous beasts that dwell like squatters in my (MY!) apartment. Apparently, the two 24-hour markets by my house don’t have roach motels. Yes, motels. Roaches are evidently so popular here that we no longer classify the contraptions as “bait” or “pesticide” – rather, they have the upgraded title of “motel.” Furthermore, what exactly are bed bugs? Do you know it’s a bed bug when it resides in your bed? Another mental picture for you: Every night before she lays her head to sleep, Ashley Anne Harrell carefully inspects all the sheets and pillow on her bed for “bed bugs.” Still don’t know exactly what I should be looking for, but I’ll be damned if I have to toss out my newly purchased mattress because of a landlord problem. Perhaps I’m exaggerating here, I really only kill between 15-20 of these roaches per day, usually by stomping them with my flip-flops. Actually, my flip flops have re-defined themselves as “roach limos.” Well, I have big feet – I might even venture to say they are “roach stretch limos.” Blame it on my overworked imagination for the real problem here… a few nights ago, I had a terrible nightmare that thousands of these bugs were crawling all over me in my bed, and then millions of spiders and flys were errupting from the walls of my bedroom. Needless to say, I had a terrible night of sleep that night. I got in bed hours ago, but haven’t been able to sleep for I heard the repulsive clatter of crunchy feet scattering around my bedroom. Each time I turned on the light there was a new one to murder. My shoes have now started living at the foot of my bed, for quick access to smash those pests. Quite clearly, I will be making another run around for “roach motels” – this time in the daylight hours. I am also so glad that I managed to get two more phone numbers for my landlord, because tomorrow I will be calling all three.