Okay, it’s now 2:30 in the morning and I still haven’t fallen asleep. TRUST me, I’ve been working on it, but I just can’t get comfortable. I keep thinking there are bed bugs crawling on me…. eeeeewwwww…. I haven’t actually seen any of the “bed bugs” in my bed, but I did find a solitary intruder in our living room about a week ago. I smashed it and put it in a plastic baggie as proof in case I ever needed to prove something like that. Well, right now I am completely miserable. I am utterly exhausted (especially as I woke up this morning at 7:30 AM because of this crazy phobia) and I am perpetually itchy. I know that the main culprits are probably the mosquitoes that keep finding their way in to our place, but after seeing that one bug last week it really freaks me out. The other night I woke up to feel SOMETHING running down my arm. [Shudder.] Today I bought a canister vacuum, a caulking gun, and sprayable foam to fill in any large cracks. I caulked most of my room, but I’m still horrified.

Here are some of the thoughts I’ve had in my head this evening:

“Maybe I should just get a room at the Mariott around the corner tomorrow night…” (night before my headshots)

“I think I might need therapy.”
(these thoughts are then interuppted by a sudden itching on my butt, followed by me popping up in bed, switching on the lights, pulling down the covers, and trying to look at my rear for any possible signs of bites.) This then reminds me that my underwear is really ugly and I really need to do my laundry tomorrow.

“Shoot, tomorrow is Monday and I have to wake up in 5 hours.”

“I wonder if there’s anywhere around here that does eyebrow waxing…”

“I really need to get some sleep because I have my headshots on Tuesday!”

“Was that a bug on my arm!?”
(after sitting up and flipping on the light)

“No, just an errant piece of hair.”

“Crap, I’m so worked up about this I’m actually losing my hair.”

I have probably turned my bedroom lights on and off about fifty times since I first attempted to go to bed this evening. Every time I flip that light switch, I pop out of bed and carefully inspect my sheets, comforter, mattress topper, and mattress/boxspring. This is RIDICULOUS. I wish that someone would just come and give me a tranquilizer so I could catch some zzz’s.

A Bug’s Life… must end.

I need you to picture something here: Ashley Anne Harrell walking down 2nd Avenue at 1:30 AM. Intoxicated? Only with the desire to wipe out the colony of mischeivous beasts that dwell like squatters in my (MY!) apartment. Apparently, the two 24-hour markets by my house don’t have roach motels. Yes, motels. Roaches are evidently so popular here that we no longer classify the contraptions as “bait” or “pesticide” – rather, they have the upgraded title of “motel.” Furthermore, what exactly are bed bugs? Do you know it’s a bed bug when it resides in your bed? Another mental picture for you: Every night before she lays her head to sleep, Ashley Anne Harrell carefully inspects all the sheets and pillow on her bed for “bed bugs.” Still don’t know exactly what I should be looking for, but I’ll be damned if I have to toss out my newly purchased mattress because of a landlord problem. Perhaps I’m exaggerating here, I really only kill between 15-20 of these roaches per day, usually by stomping them with my flip-flops. Actually, my flip flops have re-defined themselves as “roach limos.” Well, I have big feet – I might even venture to say they are “roach stretch limos.” Blame it on my overworked imagination for the real problem here… a few nights ago, I had a terrible nightmare that thousands of these bugs were crawling all over me in my bed, and then millions of spiders and flys were errupting from the walls of my bedroom. Needless to say, I had a terrible night of sleep that night. I got in bed hours ago, but haven’t been able to sleep for I heard the repulsive clatter of crunchy feet scattering around my bedroom. Each time I turned on the light there was a new one to murder. My shoes have now started living at the foot of my bed, for quick access to smash those pests. Quite clearly, I will be making another run around for “roach motels” – this time in the daylight hours. I am also so glad that I managed to get two more phone numbers for my landlord, because tomorrow I will be calling all three.