Sucking it Up

This is honest – reality, straight up, no sugar-coating.

I am STUCK. This was the first night in quite some time that I crossed the threshold of my apartment and just felt absolutely helpless. Yes, I’m doing a good job at work; Yes, I’m living in a great apartment in the East Village; Yes, I have amazing friends and am pursuing my comedic dreams (that’s dreams of success in comedy, not just hilarious hallucinations)… but today, I’m just stuck.

Let’s take a look at the facts. Or as the narrator of Pushing Daisies would say, “The Facts Were These..

  • I work my ass off at a job that does good things, though it doesn’t quite cover the bills and my team doesn’t always command the respect we deserve.
  • I have aspirations and dreams of becoming the next Tina Fey/Amy Poehler, but find myself drowned in writer’s block and lack of energy for success.
  • I don’t know how much longer I can live in this apartment… the rent is ridiculous compared to what I could get in another borough, but I can’t face going through the turmoil of breaking a lease and dealing with moving right now.
  • The peripheral vision in my left eye has been blurry every five minutes or so.
  • I am now looking at these facts and realizing I sound like a self-indulgent biatch and perhaps need to just chug the Harrell wine I am drinking and get writing some funny bits.

Coming off the high of a weekend with my Mom… where groceries were gifted, meals were offered, and money was exchanged for Broadway show tickets, things look a little different in the light of day as I set back into real life and remember that rent is due next week.

Alas, I am to be gifted with a constant flow of visitors in the coming weeks to divert my attention from the dire realities and responsibilities of adulthood, and despite all my wallowing, opportunities continue to be presented to me. In the last week alone, I have been asked on two “ambigudates” – the term I coined for hanging out sessions involving alcohol and members of the opposite sex (whose intentions are not quite clear at their time of query). No matter what, the dozens of people I meet each month continue to promote new possibilities and future relationships. A friend of mine recently proposed the idea of a joint book deal – not to give too many details away… a city guide of sorts. And I have two very exciting auditions coming up at UCB, this Saturday is my Maude team audition (sketch), and next Saturday is my Harold team audition (improv).

If the planets aligned tonight, I would wake up tomorrow with a job offer from, oh-i-don’t-know-saturday-night-live, a new sunny one-bedroom apartment rent-free in the west village, and a boy, no sorry, MAN who is good to me.

Or I could win the lottery. Fuck, I need to start playing that again.

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5 thoughts on “Sucking it Up

  1. A view from the middle March 25, 2009 / 11:14 pm

    I want to go there . . . to that happy place you describe.If life was always easy, you wouldn’t appreciate it when good things happen.chin up, shoulders back, make things happen. a moment of self pity is okay, just don’t go wallowing.xoxoMom

  2. A view from the middle March 25, 2009 / 11:14 pm

    I want to go there . . . to that happy place you describe.If life was always easy, you wouldn’t appreciate it when good things happen.chin up, shoulders back, make things happen. a moment of self pity is okay, just don’t go wallowing.xoxoMom

  3. Lore March 26, 2009 / 11:06 am

    All I can do is wish you better days ahead. Do find that man who is good to you and for you, it may make all the difference. I am thinking good thoughts for you. I looked past that one word that does not suit you. Much love, your Oma

  4. Maureen Hoff March 26, 2009 / 2:56 pm

    omg girl, i feel ya!!! can i tell you how many days i feel ‘stuck’…especially cloudy, misty, rainy days like these when i think ‘gee, i have very limited funds since i am unemployed, it is raining and i can’t go out to enjoy the city, i can’t go anywhere indoors that’s outside my apt because i can’t afford it…’..and the pity party continues. i think it is times like these that you have to sit back, take a breath, an re-think things. time to get creative. enjoy the simple things in life. and just know you aren’t the only one who feels like that every now and then…but your mom is right – don’t wallow or else it will consume you! and, save some of that wine for me! πŸ™‚

  5. Jeannette April 27, 2009 / 11:00 am

    A good shot of realism never hurt anyone…it’s what you do with it that will matter. When one is *stuck* it seems the best time to avoid the most common rhymes. I see a delicate artistry in the little bit of your blog I perused. As you slog through big city anonymity in search of the light on your path, I hope you can dodge the ever available temptation of discouragement and reactivity, an anathema to true creativity. You’ve got a torch, may you and Lady Liberty keep them aloft!

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